@tweetspraylove's timeline on Twitter
Tweets
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I’m so sorry, I’m all fresh out of your mom. :/
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Shhhhhh. I'm fucking trying to meditate.
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If I could do stuff over I'd give myself a way cool street name and probably wouldn't have fucked douchebag Chad that one time...
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#howifoundoutaboutonedirection When the police pulled me over for driving the wrong way, on a one way street in downtown Detroit. -
Turn over, baby. I wanna show you what I learned on Twitter.
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338. She stopped her crying / after forty days and nights / then opened the door
#haiku http://tmblr.co/Zg4F2vmgwXhx -
I can't hug you, kiss you or make it better. But I can retweet the FUCK out of you. <3
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'I don't think there's a place where people understand loneliness more than here.'
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Heard gary busey's donating his teeth to a needy inuit family to rebuild their igloo after an unfortunate whale grease fire.
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Just over here, maintaining my dragononymity.
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tinsel hair & a robotic emerald eye catching creepers as they tried 2 undress her with their mortal eyes her giggles turned them into flies
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You know that whiny version of me? Yeah, I fucked her.
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I've emptied countless bottles, hoping to find the meaning of life at the bottom of one of them. No luck so far. But I'm no quitter.
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Turn it on and set it to vibrate.
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I tried to force a tweet and sharted :/
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Dude, you should totally scroll up and talk to her.
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My attitude is based on the way you treat me. ~ Unknown
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Updates suck as a general rule.
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It all went to hell when attacking what we hate became more important than defending what we love.
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Sometimes i forget how to spell a word so i re-word the whole tweet just to avoid using that word.
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If there were a college course on the theological implications of flossing, I'd take it.
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You could always tell who the biggest asshole on the block is.. By the number of giant "pinwheels" he has spinning on his front lawn.
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it was a throw my bra on the floor, go to pick it up and step on one end, try to stand up only to stumble, then hit the wall kind of night
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A donkey dick to real life.
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Other cookies I don't like because they remind me of something unpleasant. Madeleines, for example, remind me I haven't read Proust.
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Don't blame the sandwich.
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Twitter: A Lovely Place Where All Your Troubles Can Be Washed Away With Jokes About Your Genitals.
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ℒℴѵℯ is my name. ℒℴѵℯ is You. And ℒℴѵℯ is all we ever need. #ℒℴѵℯ
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The difference between a cult and an accepted religion is something twitterers understand...the number of followers.
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I just woke up. Don't remember lying down. I've really got to take up drinking to match my life skills.
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I'm at my sexiest when I trip over a big pile of NOTHING in the middle of a hotel lobby full of people. Come...And...GET IT FELLAS! Fellas?
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If I don't alienate someone on a social media site then it's been a slow week.
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273. What humanity? / When we are nothing except / broken little gods
#haiku -
Every family in every Christmas movie owns a $300,000 home & is free from poverty, abuse, & addiction. That's so relatable.
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Tried being delicate by using a metaphor, when she asked me how I felt. I said, “You have as many hang-ups as a rookie telemarketer.”
#tbot -
Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow. ~ Cherralea Morgen ♥
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Shrink says seeing Bruce Lee beat shit out of Chuck Norris in Return of the Dragon movie for 92 years is unhealthy. So, I'm good.
#ftwot -
What if apples don't actually float and they're just treading water to avoid the Barrel Beast?
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Haven't lost my temper at the office all month. Granted, I was out on vacation for 2 weeks, but still.
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Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
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True power is not feeling the need to belong to any clique, organization, or social circle. True power is independence.
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The whole building knows when I'm shaving the poony because the smoke alarm goes off.
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I love being asked to do stuff I'm in no way qualified for. Like talk to people.
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At Bed Bath and Beyond shopping with my mom. When we got to the bedding, she said that she forgot they had that here. It's in the name...
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That guy that has been telling everyone they "don't know shit" turned out to be a highly respected excrementologist. That shut me up.
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there's not going to be a better time to throw away the beans
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Wasted an hour unsuccessfully comparing apples with oranges. Even tried googling how. Nope. Story of my life. Outsmarted by fruit.
#tbot -
My fruit punchline’s straight like a puddle & isn’t funny or nutritious. But, it’s made with sugar, not corn syrup. So, there’s that.
#tbot -
"I don't think this is going to work out," I told him.* *guy at gym who brought in his blow-up doll that he thought was getting fat
#tbot -
I heard that the hillbilly Mob-speak I came across earlier in the Pennsylvania boonies was courtesy of the Poconostra. Crazy.
#tbot -
I'm officially stuck. The one day I pull my head out of my ass ..& stuck. My head's in one dimension.. Rest of me's in another.
#tbot -
I vow to use the term 'aspiration minimalism' at least 3 times today. Long live Kanye. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/arts/music/kanye-west-talks-about-his-career-and-album-yeezus.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 …
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*puts music on* *turns lights down low* *imagines world without stupid people*
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I'll probably end up like that Guy with 32.5k followers who gets one star tweets but without all the followers.
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Tripped going up the stairs cuz even the slightest physical activity confuses my body
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I've watched twitter and I've seen what can happen if you replace the cute monkey avi with the real you too early .. .
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I love hockey because it reminds me of Canucks. Which reminds me of soccer moms. . Or as I affectionately call them: Minivan Cougars
#tbot -
Lab guy broke up 'Me vs. the Monkeys' morning shit fight. "Poop! You can't handle the poop!" Not sure what his fucking problem is.
#tbot -
Just so you know for next time, “With what wit?” is the wrong reply when I tell you of my plan to save the world using my superpower.
#tbot -
Damn Typos and Auto-Incorrect and the government and incorrectly battered fish.
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Are these targeted Twitter ads, or is everyone getting Oscar Mayer pimping their pork with glaring regularity?
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Now, back up there for just a second, Jack. What do you mean, "Guys don't have to wipe after peeing"? Are they wizards? Do they towel off?
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Ol’ Dirty Bastard swims with the fishes & Jessica Simpson’s favorite chicken, Sea Charlie, wears his teeth in an Autotuna commercial.
#tbot -
Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible. - Albert Einstein
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If a boy with a lisp has a thin girlfriend who is pretty as a doll, does that make her a dolphin?
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Big giant vagina squids. They'll get you.
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I'm sure there's more, but I'm happy with that for a start.
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Let me check my priorities: People before machines; Children & aged before us; Beauty before pretty; Listen to the hurt; Be kind & play nice
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“The past has no power over the present moment.” ― Eckhart Tolle ♥
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What do rich people take vacations from, their maids?
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dear everybody behind me, fuck your stupid headlights. love, c
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I dress up like a pirate & walk into a bar but instead of a parrot, I got a cat on my shoulder. And we both ignore you
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iPads for dogs. It would be very interesting to see what's in their bowser history. And if they begin to take longer to do their business.
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I didn't pay my bill & they cut off the line.So I've been absent for a week.For some ppl here that is 1 of the 7 cardinal sins.I understand.
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I’m not sendin'sub tweets.I’m a misunderstood person,like Donald Trump.....The man just tryin'to fix a rockabilly haircut with the wrong way
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I'm sorry if my tweet offended you. You can always delete the tweet by hitting the circular arrows at the bottom.
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I openly support tweets that don't make a whole lot of sense.
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Walking on eggshells is easy. Tiptoeing around crazy… Now that takes talent.
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I dreamt I was in a comma, it was a deep, dreary event. I was in fact, between 2 complete sentences. Friggin horrible.
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....but what if I don't want to be Batman?
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the police men and women whom I most admire are the ones who are not currently behind me...
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Clearly my brain cannot control my thumbs at the moment. "Put the Twitter machine down!"
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Smooth Jazz is a safe, non-chemically based laxative that people of all ages can listen to.
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The older I get the more deep breaths it takes to trim my toe nails.
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Dear all drivers of the world, Blinker before brake. Say it with me. "Blinker BEFORE brake." Blinker, then brake. BLINK BLINK BLINK, BRAKE.
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One day I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. So I broke the mirror.
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“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” ― Jim Morrison ♥
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Phil Collins has skills like him or not. Ninja skills nunchuck skills.... No, really.
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Playing no pressure really slow Sambas at a lunatic asylum sounds fun. I could jam in the corner while they walk in circles & do puzzles.
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Twitter is like camping. The middle of nowhere you accept your surroundings. Make do with what you have. Start a fire, get warm. Or go home.
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My new invention, the Rayzunator, is a weapon that transmogrifies people into raisins. It comes with an orangutan to eat the people-raisins,
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I'm in love with your love.
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No one should ever have to deliver to a man without pants, yet here I am...
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THINGS I MIGHT BE ACCUSED OF BEING Mediocre shitzhu wrangler. Shitzhu diapering champ. Ability to squirt shitzhus with water from 12 ft away
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I'm not a leader or a follower . I'm a leadower . ( drunk making up words )
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I got an allergy shot in the ass and the nurse that did it, the same one from last year, didn't recognize me or my butt. Time for a tattoo.
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Sent a tweet & thought 'oh God I hope I spelled semen correctly' and really, I think that sums up Twitter in a nutshell
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all this time I thought Ph balanced meant your party hat was on straight
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Fast food places should have a 3rd window to exchange stuff they gave you wrong at the second window.
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As I get older my Wonder Woman envy is less the outfit and more about needing the Lasso of Truth for liars and her jet to bypass traffic.
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I was going to live tweet this Tom & Jerry cartoon where a deranged monkey painter caused a zoo panic by painting Tom as a tiger, but nah.
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I unfollowed you because you're kind of a meanie and now I feel bad because maybe something bad happened to you and you just need some love.
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It wasn't until he saw a boat full of animals that God realized some asshole left the water running.
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travel the trails until you see goodness sincerity kindness. if you don't see it yet keep going. keep going and keep going and keep going
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"Freeze or I'll waste you!" - Me to Time
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The media is only brainwashing the people who can afford cable and watch the news. So, 90% of people under 35 are safe.
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Some twitter celebrities I find them really adorable cuz they remind me one of my xGF She’s never alone & she’s always lonely
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I'm not scared of a "paraben" you fucking hippy, I have real problems.
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If I was on LOST I would never leave the island because bills and ex husbands and shit.
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I hate when a guy ruins my new shirt by sticking his hands and his face inside while I'm trying to write this fucking tweet.
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have you a hand with which to pet me? o.O
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I have a soft spot for the absurd ones here.
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It's a peculiar theology, but I believe one day I'll be reunited with all my lost tweets.
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Thanks guys.. you're the best ♥ “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ― Mother Teresa
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Oh whomever. I'll jest continues yelling THAT'S NOT MY NAME @ anypeople what tries to talk to me. Who said wraithDemon7L das just meen. Fair
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Got some time off. Told myself I will not be glued to twitter. Slept in late and here I am.
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Well thanks for explaining the spring solace to me. Now tell me Copernicus, when the fuck does short shorts season start?
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You guys told me to cut loose the soul-sucking people in my life so I did but they keep ringing the doorbell and yelling "Mommy, let us in."
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i kissd a prince he became frog 'das waat im talkin bout' say i
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I think my 15 min. lecture on the economic basis for the Civil War deflected attention from me tearing up when Lincoln died. Oops - spoiler.
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a hallelujah always on the inside. for trees. for mud. for sky. for kids crossing the street. for the dude at 7/11. an always hallelujah
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I have this bad habit of bursting into strange little churches on Sunday and accusing them of heresy.
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This is bullshit, Pixar. I watch the entire movie, and I still don't know how to train my dragon. It's pissing all over my couch
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*This is not a tweet* Just thought you could use some eye candy in your TL. Just paying it forward, people.
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Who wants to come and do this fucking laundry with me? I blow job.
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Mastering the art of looking at people faces and not hearing a word.
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Wore shorts for the first time this season. My legs are so white they discussed Downton Abbey today.
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Ok guys, enough with the zero star tweets.
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My band is just me singing off-key & banging discordantly on an electric chord-organ. We're called "pretty or not, here I come."
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She has: husband, kids, loving dog, and huge house I have:3 booty calls,a bag of weed, and a ranch stain on my pants Not sure who's winning.
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Pay no attention here. It's just us chickens.
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Marco.
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Gotta smoke up and get into scooping horse poop frame of mind.
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It's MY garden. Those squirrels are OUT of luck! Narrows eyes* Gardens, are NO place for your nuts! What? Wait. Thinks* Whatever. Send.*
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What do I want? Let's see. A man, with common sense. What? Oh. Well. Okay. Scratch that. I give up. No! NO,no. I'll just be happy instead.
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Twitter ~ Where no one knows what the fuck's going on and everyone's happy with that.
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I always stop the microwave at 1 second. Just in case.
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Sometimes sarcasm is scarey and hard to grasp...*pats your head softly*
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flailing about like a chicken in the wind
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Its a weird wake up call when you realize your chihuahua has more outfits then you do
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It was the best of timelines. It was the worst of timelines.
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The secret to Twitter is having at least one person on your TL to appreciate & RT what you're articulating.
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OK you can start loving me from the very depths of your soul anytime now. It'll be fun. I'll dance and make bacon.
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My wife says I only go to Hooters for the sexy waitresses. She doesn't believe me when I tell her I enjoy the food at their breastaurants.
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Can't even catch up with how much we don't care right now.
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Is that a cupcake in your pocket, or are you going to have to go back out and get me one?
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In the dark on a bus with a rainbow.
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You guys need to stop pretending dave matthews is good. We've let him believe it for long enough.
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Our week on Twitter: What? Read our fucking Tweets...add headaches, crying, Gin, anger, mouthiness, more anger, irritation, more Gin. Done.
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No two Vaginas are the same! And I aim to prove it one Vagina at a time! Unless they're twins, then Two vaginas at a time!
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I'm single because monogamy. It's not my thing.Nobody's asked to be monogamous with me but whatever.
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I’m in the mood to RT all kinds of stupid shit.
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I don't care if you call me dinosaur.Because dinosaurs was the last kind of animals who they did anything they wanted,any time they wanted.
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Nothing tastes as good as your shut the fuck up feels.
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I used to be sane but then I took an arrow to the knee
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Dog training: who would have thought? It's dogs training owners to encourage trainers to train owners to believe they're in charge
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No. No no no.. Umm.. Nope. No! Oh good God no!! No. No.. And .. No. Me thinking of tweets while driving.
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Canadian insult: Your mother is a wonderful lady. However, and pardon me for saying this, her fellatio could be a little more enthusiastic.
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That cheerful moment when you realize you're actually a pretty good guy compared to some of these other bastards.
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1988, Attention All Reptiles, auditions for The Ninja Mutants is in sound stage B. Tortoise: "what did he say sonny." Turtle: "SOUNDSTAGE A"
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I want to live in the "Hallmark Channel".
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if you love someone squeeze them so tight the grocery store manager comes
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24 hour convenience stores are a lot like vaginas. They're always open and there's always something you want in it.
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You guys know that we live with these boobs and asses, right? *tease tweet*
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Once I stood in front of a red bricked house and left when someone threw a brick-full of weird glances.
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Never take anything too seriously.
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This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.
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Truth is failed propaganda.
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I like how Domino's tells me who made my pizza because I like to know exactly whose balls I'm tasting.
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Don't give them the power to waste your energy.
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I just burped after four slices of pizza. FOUR. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PIZZAS JESUS ATE BEFORE HE BURPED?! 81. EIGHTY. ONE. READ A BIBLE.
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If you wanna change the world you better bring enough wipes. That shit is caked on mighty thick.
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I'll believe in joggers when they master the smile and run.
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You want to start slinging emoticons? Bring it. I will smiley face the shit outta you.
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Cat fight in the copy room! Please send popcorn.
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The reason why so many of you aren't getting laid is because you have to give a fuck before you get a fuck.
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2 out of 5 people who trusted me to do their taxes are stupid. According to the IRS.
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"Question 567: Would you describe the ensuing shit tsunami as a) pleasant b) tolerable or c) indescribably cool?"
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I would watch a movie that had Antarctica a whale a cabin and pancakes. Like they just eat pancakes all day then go look for the whale.
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"Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different." – Katherine Mansfield ♥
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Just cleaned my entire house including carpets because my twitter addiction isn't as bad as or as gross as yours.
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The voices in my head are usually having sex & sometimes they let me watch. I asked once why the ball gag was so big, but they ignored me.
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Before I die, I hope I have legitimately uttered the phrase, ”Please, sir, you are standing on my cape” atleast once.
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show me on the measuring cup how much i'm allowed to love you
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Judging by my own experience, twitter is more fun once you stop looking for vaginas and start looking for friends.
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You know that shit you heard that can ruin your whole day? Fuck that shit :)
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Hi, Twitter. Before we get started, I'm going to need you to sign this waiver, and turn down your radio. Thanks. Also: Lose the hat. :)
Damp Pamphlet
Rotusbrossum
Lolly Sassafras
WhatserName
BlackWidow
Don Pearyawn
Ozlem Baro
ShoutingGoddess
ClumzyVixen
Tortured_soul
Rainbow Brite
Anonymous Vagabond
Gone
blunder rated
Lilly
L. David Sloane
Southern Insomniac
E=mc²
Obi ian Kenobi
Evil Schwartzie
PAT_E_ROCK
freckle face
Jesus Jaramillo
Shyayn Lusch
Kiley
Paul
Scott Taylor
Wonder Twin
Commandant Grayza
LoveScopes
Eric Komans
Michael B Inlaoninni
Theodora Chester
Vicious Poony
Bitch
John Malcolm
Hushpuppy 5¢
Christina Bee
Rusty
Copulaterman
hashtagtractor
Jeni Decker
the weapon
Just Call Me Frank™©
Viva La Crap!
cynthiazolamOverdose
Zeke Kastens
System Failure
MahatmaTweeterChiver
Sam's
Dakota
Vandal
Mytwoscentz
Julie Baby
Justin Walker™
Dusty Hume
Darth Kitteus
Jessica Stephenson
Deborah Katz
10F L.Chirpacabra?
JJ Anderson
Kate
Trevor
You Know !!!!!!!!!!!
Carly Carlamity
Nickels
The Ben Wolf
Wistful Blue
CatasTrophy
✟¥◣∈『.✙▲▼◥▆◤
Linda in Disguise
Uncle JP the Janitor
AndrewR31
Willowbottom
gordon
JiJi
JenniferDancingBear
~Sheila~
Senoté †
Madame LaCrooz
Darrin
Emily Gray
Rhode Island Mike
Pam Nabea
Indian Bread Maker
Scarlett Fever
妹妹
Alan Parham
miss shushy paws
reznik : unplugged
Dave
Omar
Sly
Šoul (v╪) Λmplified
Kay
Bitch_In_Me
Queen of the Damned
Shireen Soussen ♔
Not Silvestri
truly
Life Sucks
Danny Charnley
fairy
Labels: #ftwot, #gaf, #gsoav, #jsntf, #tbot, tweets, twitter
posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 3:27 PM
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